


Finding refuge is not enough

by Ellstra



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Dreams, F/M, M/M, Sam Says Yes, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:03:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7904104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam ran away from his family to finally start a life on his own. And he would have had a normal college life had it not been for an angel whispering into his ear every night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finding refuge is not enough

**Author's Note:**

> For the [rareship creations challenge](http://rareshipcreationschallenge.tumblr.com/). The prompt was _Memories_ by Panic! at the Disco.

Sam went four hours with a truck driver who said his name was Alan and he liked to pick up hitchhikers to see that his life was not so bad after all. Sam didn't bother telling the man that hitchhiking away from his Dad and his life was the best thing that's ever happened to him and he just nodded at proper times in Alan's incessant rambling about his wife, his children, his lover or his lousy job. Sam got off when they stopped at a gas station in San Jose, deciding to call it a night. He said goodbye to Alan and received a bear hug he wasn't sure he wanted. 

Sam went through his savings from various jobs or other activities, such as the pool and poker games Sam was reluctant to take part in but secretly enjoyed. He'd need a good deal of money for college, even with his scholarship, and he had to deny himself a bed that night. Sam bought himself something to eat in the diner beside the gas pump and walked about a mile down the road before he made himself a camp down on the grass. He pulled out a blanket from his backpack and sat on it, watching the sky darken and stars to shine, eating his dinner and hoping for a better tomorrow. He could have stolen a car - he had learnt that when he was way too young to know how to drive a car, let alone steal it - but he would not be able to keep it at school and he did want to leave his old life behind. 

He lay down on his back and thought for a while before he wrapped the blanket around himself as tight as he could and fell asleep. 

_"You seem lonely," someone says into Sam's ear. Sam turns around in confusion, looking for the source of the voice. He doesn't see anything, only subdued light and something the somehow looks familiar, welcoming, warm._

_"Who are you?" Sam asks, hoping he sounds brave rather than like a complete idiot._

_"A friend," the voice chimes, "I am your guardian angel."_

_"Why don't you show yourself then?"_

_"I can't. I'm locked in a Cage I can't escape on my own."_

_"Why are you in a cage?" Sam asks, suspicious._

_"I didn't agree with my dad," the angel says, "I wasn't as smart as you are."_

_"Do you have a name?" Sam inquires. He supposes they don't lock angels for no reason._

_"Lucifer," the answer comes and there's pride and hesitation in it at the same time._

_"That Lucifer?"_

_"Technically, yes, practically no. Most of the stories you heard about me are lies."_

_"Why are you talking to me?"_

_"I told you," Lucifer sounds hurt, "I'm your guardian angel."_

_"You're the devil."_

_"I'm a special guardian angel."_

_"What do you want?" Sam wonders what exactly made his mind come up with a dream like this. He supposes he wanted to have someone watch over him, especially now when he was on his own, but he just can't have nice things so he got stuck with the devil. It actually makes sense if he thinks about it._

_"To watch over you, obviously. That's what guardian angels do," Lucifer scoffs._

_"Then why am I sleeping on the ground in the middle of nowhere, huh?" Sam says mockingly._

_"Because I'm still stuck in the Cage, silly. I can just watch you and listen to you calling for me."_

_"So you're useless," Sam points out._

_"For now, I can only offer you my comfort and compassion."_

_"Thanks," Sam is taken off guard by the bluntness of it._

_"I could be better, could give you everything you want," Lucifer suggests._

_"And what do you want me to do?" Sam thinks he shouldn't be asking that. The phrase 'deal with the devil' must have come from somewhere. But he can't help his curiosity and he supposes just asking can't hurt anyone._

_"Free me," Lucifer says and there's longing in his voice._

_"How?" Sam asks. It's too late when he realises he should have said no instead._

_"I have some friends. They'll be happy to help you."_

_"Friends," Sam questions condescendingly._

_"Demons who are convinced their pathetic existence will improve if they help me rise again."_

_"Will it?"_

_"Hell, no," Lucifer asks, "I hate demons, they disgust me."_

_"Why should I help you?"_

_"Because you're lonely and I'm your other half," Lucifer explains._

_"My other half?"_

_"Can't you feel it?" Lucifer asks and the feeling of belonging and right increases._

_"I can feel that you can make me comfortable in my dream. I'd expect that from the devil." Sam replies coldly, biting his lip when he feels guilty as the light around him fades._

_"I couldn't make anyone else feel like this."_

_"Pardon me if I don't believe you."_

_"I'd never lie to you, Sam," Lucifer reasons and the dream begins to dissipate, "think about it."_

Sam was woken up by sun rays caressing his face. He was pleased to find he hadn't been robbed during the night, and sat up to stretch. He was convinced his encounter with Lucifer was just the product of his mind but something kept him from dismissing the dream completely. He decided not to think about it, ate some of his leftover food and set off for Stanford.

He had to walk for about fifteen miles and he was exhausted by the end of the day, but he made it at last. They lady in the office eyed him a little strangely since his clothes looked accordingly to how he spent the night but she gave him the information he needed and a room to sleep in. It was empty, his roommate had not yet come, and Sam ran a long hot shower before crashing into the bed farther from the bathroom and falling asleep. 

_"So, how's school?" Lucifer appears immediately after Sam reaches the sleep deep enough for dreams. Appears might be a too strong word, he's just the bright, warm presence that seems to be enveloping Sam, but that would be too complicated to put into one word._

_"Mostly empty right now," Sam shruggs, "big. Sort of nice."_

_"Dean tried to call?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You couldn't have made it easier for him, you know? It had to be a clean cut if you were to get rid of your dad."_

_"I know. I just wished I could have said goodbye."_

_"Yeah, me too."_

_Sam raised an eyebrow. He wanted to ask to hear more but he wasn't sure how he should do it._

_"I have an older brother too. Lots of younger ones, but Michael... Michael was special. He was my hero, my idol. Our Father was a bit too far and distant for me to project my admiration and adoration on him. I'd follow Michael everywhere and hope to be like him. But then he turned on me. When I told my Father that I won't bow to humans, that I think they're not worthy of his creations and that I'm afraid what will happen if he lets humans roam the Earth, I though Michael would support me. But he didn't. He was the one who locked me here to rot."_

_There is a stretch of silence between them that neither dares break._

_"I wish I could have said farewell to the brother I loved because he's dead," Lucifer whispers._

_"I didn't know that," Sam mumbles._

_"Of course you didn't," Lucifer says harshly, "how would it fit into the story about the devil?"_

_"And you said I was lonely," Sam laughs mirthlessly._

_"I never said I wasn't. My own loneliness doesn't diminish yours. Suffering is not a competition."_

_"Is this the part where you say we match?"_

_"No," the light Sam has learnt to consider Lucifer brightens, "this is the part where you say it."_

...

Days passed, the campus filled and Sam's roommate, Bradley, arrived. Sam knew most of the important buildings by then and made a few acquaintances in the cafeteria or through Bradley who seemed to be a limitless well of friends or simply people to know. Sam felt better there than he did in all the schools he could remember attending, nobody stared at him when he walked, nobody gossiped about his clothes, his Father, the fact that he arrived in the middle of term and lived in a motel. It felt refreshing. 

Sam could still, however, feel the distance other people kept from him. It wasn't blatant, not like in highschools where kids feared him and whispered "freak" when they thought he couldn't hear them, but it was there. At the same time, not a night passed without Lucifer creeping into his dream and talking to Sam, offering friendship other people were reluctant to give. It never once occurred to Sam to blame Lucifer for the effect he had on other people. He was so used to his peers ignoring or fearing him that he didn't really see anything wrong with how they treated him. 

It was November and Sam had just met a girl called Jessica who seemed very nice and very pretty and he liked to spend time with her almost as much as with Lucifer. 

It was December and Sam asked Jessica to go to a Christmas party with him. She agreed and dragged him under a mistletoe. Sam had only kissed a few girls, and one of them turned out to be a monster, so he didn't have much experience but as far as he could tell, it was an adequate kiss. He stole another one for comparison.

It was January and Sam thought he loved her. They took a holiday in between semesters and spent a week in a cabin in the mountains. Jessica woke up a couple of times to Sam mumbling in his sleep, surprisingly coherent, but he didn't seem to be in distress so she dismissed it. 

It was April and they moved in together into a small flat that was hardly ideal but they kept saying it was perfect. 

It was July and Jessica died in a car accident. 

_"Sam, I'm sorry."_

_"It's not your fault, Lucifer."_

_"Of course it's not. But I'm unhappy because you're upset and I wish I could have saved her."_

_"You do?"_

_"Of course. I didn't want anything bad to happen to the poor girl just because you belong with me."_

_"Did you save me?"_

_"I helped. I can't do much from here and the little I can do is limited to you. I protected you because that was all that I could do."_

_"Don't all people have their guardian angels?"_

_"No. You must accept that you were made for me. You're the reason why I haven't gone mad over the years. The bond between us is stronger than time."_

_"So she's gone. Just like that."_

_"Yes."_

_"Why does everyone always leave me?"_

_"You're too powerful for them, too dark. They can't handle you."_

_"But you're not. You won't leave me."_

_"I won't leave you."_

_"I'm going to free you."_

_"Finally."_

It all went just too easy. Sam had expected angels to try and stop him since he was freeing the devil himself, but all the opposition he got was ludicrously easy to overcome. He listened to Lucifer's advice and used the demons who threw themselves at his feet. As the lock on Lucifer's cage weakened with each broken seal, their connection grew stronger until Sam could hear Lucifer whenever he wanted, not just asleep.

Sam was ready to break to last seal, to kill Lilith on the altair in a church built above the Cage when Dean finally appeared. It had been two years and they couldn't recognise one another. Sam had demon blood in the corner of his mouth and Dean glared at him as if he were a monster. It was all too easy to stop Dean, his big brother who used to be so strong. It would have been no problem at all to snap his neck using just his mind, only because he wanted. 

Sam finished his mission and freed Lucifer, anxious to accept the angel into his body, ready to feel the exhilaration from their unity, happy to give up the confusing, hurtful existence he had known. 

He was still taken aback completely as it happened, the bliss indescribable. Sam felt liberated knowing this was his, only his, and nobody could take it from him.

All the little secrets they had left disappeared and they no longer needed words to communicate. 

But others weren't as happy about them. Dean tried to fight for his brother, unwilling to accept that Sam didn't want him to. Angels tried to bring the Apocalypse down, to provoke him into a war Sam didn't wish to take part in. For all the good that came from their closeness a new sorrow arrived, as if fate itself was determined not to let them rest. 

Sam often found himself longing for the simplicity of their previous relationship. As tiresome and frustrating as it was to only communicate in dreams, they were free to do so. What scared Sam the most was the change Lucifer had gone through. It had been easy to forget who he was when they talked about exams and girls but that wasn't the reality anymore. Lucifer was intimidating at best, terrifying when he was in a bad mood. Sam crouched within their shared body to make himself small whenever Lucifer lost his temper. What worried Sam the most was the fact that it was easier and easier to be angry with Lucifer instead of at him when a human life crumbled under their fingers. 

Months after that, Sam remembered the time when they communicated solely via dreams with certain fondness that one feels for the past no matter how ordinary it seemed when it was present, despite his will. 


End file.
